


When I kiss your lips I wanna make you feel wanted.

by Fedies



Series: » ❝Brocedes Moments 2016❞ [2]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brocedes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Singapore Grand Prix 2016
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 10:44:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14377005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fedies/pseuds/Fedies
Summary: Set before the 2016 Singapore Grand Prix, during the hypothetical Pirelli tests in Barcelona where, very hypothetically, Lewis's car sucks.Frustrated at best, the Englishman can not keep his damned mouth shut and to be hurt is, as always, Nico.Will Lew be able to make up for it again?(With the special participation of Sebastian Vettel's marriage agency)





	When I kiss your lips I wanna make you feel wanted.

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, we're in 2018 and I'm always writing about Brocedes feels of the 2016 but I swear I'll stop it. One day. Maybe.  
> Let me know if you like it. xoxo

I'm furious.  
What do I say? I'm pissed off black.  
Fuck these shit tests, fuck the car, fuck it all.  
We are in Barcelona for the Pirelli test and to improve the performance of the car before Singapore, but it all sucks.  
I do not know what they did to my Mercedes but it's shit, it can not be driven.  
My engineer reassures me, for the next grand prix the car will be a bomb, but I do not give a fuck.  
I want a perfect car and I want it now.  
As I want this other world championship, fuck if I want it.  
Today I threw down ridiculous times, which even a Manor would manage to overcome.  
I do not know what the fuck is going on, I can not drive anymore?!  
I enter the paddock of the Catalan circuit that hosts us, the Red Bulls and the Ferraris for this weekend and I kick the sofa in the comfort zone, overturning it.  
I would punch anyone right now.  
"Lewis..."  
"What Nico?! What's up?!"  
I turn to him furiously, although he has said nothing but my name.  
He still has the suit and the helmet under his arm.  
"Hey, everything will work out, you're the best and you'll see ..."  
I burst out laughing, a bitter laugh without any trace of amusement.  
"Easy to talk to someone who seems to be all right!"  
"Lewis, you know it's not like that, the car ..."  
"Oh shut up, shut up, I do not give a fuck of your assurances, maybe it's better for you, because if you go back to winning you'll keep your ass on the second step of the podium!"  
I scream in his face, unable to reflect on this I say.  
I take a breath, as if I had freed myself from a boulder.  
I watch him lower his head, probably to hide his eyes shiny, clench his fists and go around without adding anything else.  
Shit.  
I mess up my hair nervously.  
Christ, I did not do it again ...  
I let myself fall on the other sofa, rubbing my temples.  
When I'm angry, I just can not shut up, damn it.  
I have the habit of throwing out every negative emotion and often this brings out the worst part of me; the arrogant, spoiled, presumptuous one.  
And damn bitch, who is it that always ends up in the middle?  
The only person who just wanted to let me vent, to make me feel better.  
The only person I really care about.  
I just hit him in horrible things.  
I told him he's winning just because I'm running bad, I told him I'm better than him and he'll be an eternal second.  
And I know how much he suffers when he hears these things, I know how bad they are.  
When all the journalists reproach him for not having enough talent to keep up with me, to just have to focus on his dedication ...  
Nico is also listening to them, constantly struggling with his own uncertainties.  
And I tell him something like that ...  
I'm seriously disgusted of myself.  
I try to give myself back to my behavior and back to the pits, to deal with the car as a mature person should do, then run to the hotel.  
I need to talk to Nico and immediately.  
When it's about him I can also put aside this pride of shit.  
After one of the quickest showers in history, I sneak up to him.  
But the door, this time, is closed.  
Busso, over and over again, until I lean against the wood with my forehead.  
"Nico, damn, open this door"  
Nothing, no answer.  
"Nico, please, I'm sorry."  
Only silence answers me.  
I go down to the restaurant with my head down, a small part of me hoping that Nico is there, so he has not chosen to leave me out of the door of his own free will.  
But Nico is not there.  
There are only the various teams sitting at different tables and pilots, sitting at the same table instead.  
I sit down in front of Daniel, he is talking to Max with tones that only a pink romance couple would use.  
Kimi and Sebastian chat in a low voice, exchanging looks with accomplices and some smiles.  
I feel incredibly out of place.  
"Lewis, are you all right?"  
Sebastian asks me, noticing my unusual muteness.  
If it's fun I'm always in the front row, in fact.  
I also imagine that the story of my hysterical scene this afternoon spread quickly ...  
"Yes, all right"  
Both he and Kimi look at me doubtful but do not dare to add anything else.  
Dinner is served but Nico does not show up.  
"What happened to Nico?"  
Asks Max, while we eat the main courses.  
In moments I do not even listen to him, lost as I am in my thoughts.  
"Lewis, are you here?"  
"Eh, what?"  
"I asked you if Nico is okay, he almost never skips dinner"  
Four pairs of eyes are on me and it makes me nervous.  
Absurd, eh? I usually love being in the spotlight.  
"I do not know, Nico and I do not share the same head, do you know Max?"  
I answer, maybe more acid than I should.  
The youngest returns to eat a little intimidated and the same thing others do, even if they keep glancing at me.  
After dinner I stay a while in the lobby, where a cool night breeze arrives.  
I tried to call Nico and send him messages, but he did not answer.  
I feel the black leather sofa sink slightly, a sign that someone has sat next to me; I turn around and meet Sebastian's friendly face.  
"You can get away with Max using your rattlesnake tone but not with me, Lewis, I know you enough to understand that something happened between you and Nico"  
I sigh, how can I lie?  
"It happened that I'm an idiot, I can always ruin all the good things I have ..."  
"In a couple it's normal to fight, Lewis"  
I shake my head, with my usual bitter smile.  
"No Seb, you do not understand ... I told him some horrible things and he does not deserve it ... I reproached him for everything when he had to drive a car with a thousand problems for more than two years. I know his weaknesses and it is always me who reopens his wounds. Me, do you understand? The person who should love him more. Instead I can only hurt him. "  
He puts a hand on my shoulder, sympathetic.  
As if he understood ... he and Kimi happen to argue, yes, but neither has accused the other of being a loser.  
"What should I do now, Sebastian, tell me because I really do not know"  
"He loves you, Lewis, and even if he wanted he would not be able to stay away from you, but you can not go on like this.  
"Try to change, or at least to contain yourself. Do it for him. You love him, rather?"  
I raise my eyes suddenly, how can he ask me something like that?! Of course I love him!  
"What a fucking question it is, Seb! I love him badly."  
"And do you ever tell him?"  
Hence my protests go off. Do I ever tell him?  
When was the last time I told him "I love you"?  
I can not answer.  
"We often take too many things for granted, Lewis. You take for granted his love, his presence, his cash out every your hit. It may not last forever, Nico can not bear all this forever."  
Those words have the same function as two slaps.  
They stun me.  
I get up almost automatically, determined to throw down the door of his room if Nico does not open me.  
Seb does not add anything else but I can swear he's smiling.  
Kimi approaches him, resting his hands on his shoulders covered by a denim shirt.  
"Ever thought about setting up a marriage agency?"  
I hear German laughing: "But first I'll marry you!", I'm happy to have run away so I can escape what would surely have been an unpleasant kiss

 

Nico's room is number 44.  
Ironically, eh?  
I knock strong and numerous times, I lost the bill, so much so that Nico this time is forced to open.  
"Do you need something?"  
He asks me sharp, cold.  
But he has never been a good actor.  
I always play the careless part here.  
His flushed eyes immediately betray his tone of voice and I feel a strange knot in my throat.  
You made him cry, he cried because of you, says a little voice in my head.  
"Why did not you come down to dinner?"  
Okay, maybe it was not the right question to ask right now.  
"I was not hungry."  
Nico has problems of anxiety management, even if you do not think because in front of the cameras he always shows himself as calm and relaxed.  
He threw up before every race and at the time of the karting I remember he had a real panic crisis.  
That's why I'm always afraid he does not eat enough.  
Always fighting with himself, always convinced of having to prove something ...  
He does not take his skill for granted, as opposed to me.  
"I had you put aside something, if you like ..."  
"I'm not hungry"  
He repeats to me.  
"I can ... please Nico let me in, I need to talk to you"  
"So you can use me again as a boxing bag? No thanks"  
I look up at the sky.  
It's already hard enough without putting on sarcasm.  
I push him inside and close the door behind us, he freezes me with a look.  
"Let me talk ..."  
"No, let ME talk! You know me, you know how much it costs me to pretend all the time. You know the somersaults I do to try just to keep your pace. Do you want to vent? Do you want to punch me? Do it, Lewis. I'm here in front of you, hit me. But please, I can not breathe when you put that question into play. I can not bear that you bring it back to me. Please, Lewis, if you love me at least half of what I love you, do not tell me. Not again. I pray you. Do not convince me that you really believe in those things. I already believe it enough. "  
As he speaks his voice becomes more acute and his eyes become moist again.  
I feel as if there's opening a chasm under my feet.  
No Nico do not cry, not in front of me, not because of me.  
You've always been the strong one.  
Do not collapse now. I can not stand it.  
I remove the distance between us by holding him in a hug so strong that I fear to take his breath away.  
"I'm sorry, Nico, I'm sorry ..."  
I whisper to him, my mouth pressed against his shoulder, but at that point he is already sobbing against my linen shirt.  
I darken my eyelids, praying that the cry ceases quickly.  
"Please Nico no ... I can not stand being the cause of these tears ... You know I'd die rather than hurt you, please stop ..."  
He detaches from my hug and moves away, away from my gaze.  
He wipes his face nervously as he tries to regulate his breathing.  
Nico hates to show himself weak.  
I approach fearfully to the bed on which he sat.  
"Nico ...?"  
"It's all right" he swallows empty "everything is okay ..."  
I sit next to him, letting my knee touch his.  
He does not retract and for me it is already a great victory.  
"No, that's not all right ... Nico, I'm sorry, I'm a mess, I'm the worst guy that could ever happen to you, I never think before talking and I just mess up, but I love you, fuck if I love you. I do not believe in any of the things I told you and you should not do it either. "  
At that point he turns and I find myself face to face again with his eyes light and red for crying.  
This time I remain motionless staring at him.  
"Repeat it"  
"What?"  
"Repeat that you love me" he asks me, almost desperately.  
My heartbeat accelerates by surprise.  
Sebastian was right, I take too many things for granted.  
Nico needs me, just like I need him.  
Only now I realize how fragile he is, exposed ... if I touched him with a finger he would shatter.  
My Nico, my safe harbor, the person I have always believed to be stronger than even a shitty season ...  
"I love you"  
I say, with confidence.  
I take his face in my hands and kiss him, kiss him as I have never kissed before.  
I kiss him because I'm sorry, because he deserves someone better.  
I kiss him because I would like to put all his pieces together again.  
I kiss him because he will always be a perfect driver for me and I would like him to think so too.  
I kiss him because I love him.  
I take off only to catch my breath.  
"Lew ... I love you too"  
"I know Nico, I know ..."  
He puts his head on my shoulder, his blond hair tickling my cheek.  
The other riders call him Britney or Princess because they say he is so handsome, he hates these nicknames but I can not but agree with others.  
"Excuse me, for everything"  
I say again, I know how much those wounds bleed.  
"Okay so Lewis, it's okay"  
I hold him to me and I hope that this is so.

 

 

 

"Cause I wanna wrap you up  
Wanna kiss your lips  
I wanna make you feel wanted  
And I wanna call you mine  
Wanna hold your hand forever  
And never let you forget it  
Yeah, I, I wanna make you feel wanted"


End file.
